Dinosaurs are Back

 . . . and it's really getting annoying.

Let's recount.  Ten months ago more than 200 posts on YouTube clearly showed 4 pterodactyls heading south, shot over the skies of Ontario. 

Sightings within 100 miles of the North Pole, in all directions, were reported of the Spielberg dinos; T-Rexes, Pterodactyls and Raptors.  They descended from the North, fucking like bunnysauruses along the way.

And now here we are.  No one has been very effective at controlling the populations, so we've had to adjust.  (I'm so sick of the Vacation-in-Hawaii and Vacation-in- Australia commercials!)

Letting your pets roam, or even letting them out in the yard unattended, is no more.

Children now move through caged and gated walkways from the school to the bus, and from the bus to the house.

Every structure is now recommended to have a reinforced first floor so that if super-fido decides to visit, the visit stops there.

Fortunately, there's no shortage of food for these bad boys and girls, so they have not yet gone full Spielberg on us.  If a Rex follows you home and you close the door, he goes away.  He doesn't go crashing through shit.  Hopefully this won't change.

More reinforcements are coming our way, thanks to insurance companies.  Dino-proofing homes and dino-insurance are all the rage, as expected.  Of course the only dino-on-house crime was a big T-Rex who, sleeping on his feet, fell over and crashed through a bay window in Des Moines.  Typical isn't it, how we over react and now have to now prepare every home to ward off attackers?

Dino poop is a real issue.  Thank God it usually is too high to step in, so we usually step over.  Aerial attacks can easily knock over a child or crack a car windshield.

Whistlers, that used to be put on cars to scare off deer, appear to work on Dinos as well.  They're baacck!  Ugh.

The Love-A-Dino Foundation gathered a bunch of cash to mount a campaign of domestication.  Adopt young, raise them with love, and we will domesticate them.  So tree huggers everywhere adopted young.  In most cases they were promptly attacked and eaten by annoyed dino parents.  Domestication of abandoned young also has led to attack and eat scenarios, just a little later in the relationship.  The campaign has a 100% consumption rate so far.  You shoulda stuck to trees, people!

Carrying weapons is one of the greatest parts of our little infestation.  We can now carry what we want.  Tree huggers carry tazers (LMFAO).  Tazers are usually spit out as the T-Rex is eating them.  I wear a snub nose revolver on one leg and a Sig Sauer 9 mm on the other leg, with a large caliber rifle slung over my back.  So fun!  I can't imagine shooting an animal personally, but I can fire at anything at any time, and nobody even asks what's up.  Too Kool for Skool!

Farmers of course have upped their prices, the job now being more dangerous than that of dentist, so everything is becoming more expensive.

And with these facts in mind, I stepped up to the podium to address the General Assembly of the United Nations.  It was a very full room.

You're impressed!  I know you are.  There were four speakers ripe with global recommendations on the schedule, and I had won an essay contest run by Nook, and got to be a private citizen with 15 minutes of mike time.  Is this a crazy world or what?

As I approached the mike, the chatter persisted.  I held my iPod Nano up to the mike and played a T-Rex roar at high volume.  With a nervous twitter of laughter, they clammed up.

I started off with four simple words, which I use with smaller groups as well.  "You are all pussies."  I watched as interpreters scrambled for assistance.  It was my theme.  I then walked them through my ten points (actually 12 repackaged).

Point 1.  "People!  We are in charge of this planet!  Why are we running?  Take these turkeys on now!"  Again, interpreters looked mystified, wondering if monster turkeys had just crossed city limits.

Point 1 had three suggestions.

1A:  "Push them back!  Sorry Canada!"  The representative of the great white north left the room.

1B:  "Confine them.  Fences, moats - get with it, people!"

1C:  "Shoot them out of the air, use explosive people decoys, anything!  This is war! It's no time to be polite to reinvented species."  They responded with an "OK".

I waited, hoping Letterman would say "Number 2!” but he was nowhere to be seen, so I continued my top ten.

Point 2:  "Repeat after me!  MAC RIB!"  Many of them did.  "Let's feed the world, people.  Rexes are a shitload of meat.  Let's rededicate ourselves to being meat eaters again.  And no more of this excitement over roasting a pig - we're gonna need bigger spits and bigger pits!"  The international community smiled, having no clue.

Point 3:  "Every country needs to designate 10% of their land for containment, until extinction is again achieved.  For the US, I choose Utah!"  The Mormon from Puerto Rico left the room.

Point 4:  "New species have legal rights too!  We need to feed each dino a lawyer."  Dr. Pepper squirted out of my nose as I laughed.  What a mess.  I think my timing was off, though.  You should always lead with a good kill-the-lawyers joke.

Point 5:  "Does anyone know if dinos can swim?  I'm guessing not.  Good!  Fish food!"

Point 6:  "Where are the electrified fences and trees and power lines and shit?  Where have you people been?"  My assistants passed through the crowd, handing out DVD's of Mothra and other Japanese monstas.

Point 7:  "I want the support of the major networks and Disney.  Every main character in all TV shows and movies should have a stuffed T-Rex head on the wall.  I'm sure it will catch on, at least in the civilized countries."  The representative from Afghanistan left the room.

Point 8:  "Scientists (you know who you are) need to come up with a dino birth control compound, and feed it to every cat, dog and child in the world."  The representative from China applauded vigorously, then sat back down and finished his smoked Rottweiler on rye.

Point 9:  "I'm thinking that Raptors would love parachute rides.  We can all participate in dino-drops over Libya."  The Libyan translator was still looking up pussy.

Point 10:  "For countries like Sweden, who would never feel good killing anything, I'm suggesting that you drug the bastards.  Maybe they'll suffer from lots of slip-and-fall accidents."  Most looked confused.  Old people nodded.  I shoulda stopped at 9.  Maybe 8. 

I thanked them profusely, making hand gestures that someone might randomly recognize as a salutation or something.  "I only hope I did some good here today.  If not, I hope you have me back when my Dino-stand up career kicks in."  The representative from Japan suggested some combination of humor and karaoke.  I ignored him, and turned the podium over to some Nobel Laureate from New Jersey.

© 2012 John Allison