Old/Bored/Trouble/Dead - a one act play

Characters

Janine, an appropriately dressed, socially inept, outcast-type of teenage girl.

Grandmother, old, weak and infirmed, sweet, and feisty, with a sparkle in her eye.

Janine's Mother, only on stage briefly.


Setting

  The play takes place in the Grandmother's bedroom.  Grandmother is either bed-ridden, or in a chair, possibly a wheelchair, with a bed and window nearby.


Summary

Most parents have probably had a conversation with a teenager - who just refused to appreciate parental assistance given through love - a conversation that involved the comment "I never asked you to do anything for me".  Finally, someone figured out how to respond - by dying.




(Lights up.   The three characters are in Grandmother's bedroom.  JANINE is looking out the window, her back turned to the other two and the audience.   MOTHER has a purse and keys in her hand.)

MOTHER:  I have to go to the drug store so I need you to watch over your grandmother, Janine.

JANINE:  (detached) Whatever.  She'll be fine.  I don't need to "watch" her.

MOTHER:  Well, "whatever" back at 'ya.  That's what I want you to do.  (cell phone rings)  Hello?  Oh, hi Sarah.  Look, I'm just out the door to get to the pharmacy when they open.  Here, say hello to Janine.

(MOTHER tries to hand the phone over to JANINE.)

JANINE: (hushed) No way!

(MOTHER tosses the phone to her daughter, who is forced to catch it, as the MOTHER exits stage left.)

MOTHER: (cheerfully)  Bye!

JANINE: (painfully, without expression) Hello Aunt Sarah.  Mom can't talk now she'll probably call you later (hangs up and puts the phone in her pocket).

GRANDMOTHER: (sweet, with just a touch of sarcasm)  Oh, how sweet.  You love your Aunt Sarah don't you?

JANINE: (short, not wanting to talk) She's OK. . . I don't know.

GRANDMOTHER:  Honestly, when I was young we had some moody years, but today you kids set moody records.

JANINE: (still unable to look at her GRANDMOTHER) Yeah, well . . . I'll be in my room (starts to walk off, stage right).

GRANDMOTHER:  Oh, I don't think so.  You're not going to want to miss this.

(JANINE says nothing, stuck between leaving and not leaving.  She finally breaks down to scowl at GRANDMOTHER.)

GRANDMOTHER: (quietly and seriously)  I'm going to die, Dear.

JANINE:  Yeah, aren't we all. . . . What are you bugging me about?

GRANDMOTHER:  I'm shocked but, well, I just know.  It's like everything went from 6 cylinders down to 1.  That's an automobile analogy, Dear.  Like I'm powering down. That's a computer analogy, Dear. It's amazing that your body tells you, but it does.  Can you give me a civil goodbye, Janine?

JANINE: (panics, loudly)  Look!  You are not going to die!  OK?

GRANDMOTHER: (even calmer)  Well it has to happen sometime. I have diabetes, had a stroke, had breast cancer, I've lost feeling in my right leg.  I'd call that going downhill.  I'm not enjoying myself. (looks up at her grand-daughter) Just like you, Dear.  So dying is OK with me.

JANINE:  No!  No!  Not now!  Mom!?  Where's Mom?  I gotta call her.  (Pulls the phone out of her pocket and starts to call).  Oh rats, this is her phone.  Look, wait until she comes home, OK?

GRANDMOTHER:  It's you and me kid.

JANINE:  Don't do this to me!

GRANDMOTHER:  Well, that's a bit self-centered.  I'm the one dying!  Do you have A-D-D or something?

JANINE: (stamps her feet)  No!  No!  No!    Arrrggghhh.

GRANDMOTHER:  Could I get a couple of quiet, decent, loving last few moments here?  Is that asking too much?

JANINE:  Look, I'll be in my room.  You'll be fine.  Just hang on, Mom will be back soon.  (she tries to walk away, hoping to be dismissed, but pauses)  Got it?

GRANDMOTHER:  You won't make my last 60 seconds (cough, cough) good ones?

(JANINE stares at her GRANDMOTHER).

GRANDMOTHER:  (a bit irritated) After all I've done for you?  I've been good to you your whole life.  I never forgot a birthday, I've always been there for you.  I bought you your first bike, snuck out with you to get your ears pierced when you were 8 . . .

JANINE: (angrily)  I never asked you to do any of that.

GRANDMOTHER: (animated, almost brought back to life)  What?

(JANINE shakes her head, waves it off.)

GRANDMOTHER:  No, no, say it again.  It's perfect.  The perfect way to go.  I'll make a deal with you, Dear.  You don't have to make my last minute loving and caring, don't have to pretend to kiss old dead flesh, you just have to have an actual conversation with me about this one thing.  And it's something that came out of your very own self-centered pie hole!  OK?

(JANINE does not respond.)

GRANDMOTHER:  I know you can hear me, Dear, I can see you.

JANINE:  I . . . I don't want to talk.  I don't want to talk to anybody.  I want to be left alone.  You can't understand.

GRANDMOTHER:  (darkly) Be careful what you wish for, Dear.  When you're old, you will be able to go many days without talking to anyone.  I'm sure you'll find it . . . refreshing.  The rest of us would give anything for human contact.  (cheerily) But that's another story.  Why don't you take a few minutes off from under your personal dark cloud; let it go.  I won't tell anyone.  What happens with Grandma stays with Grandma.

JANINE:  That's Vegas.

GRANDMOTHER:  Same difference.

(JANINE growls in frustration, but does not leave.)

GRANDMOTHER:  Good, I'll take that as a yes.  So, I want you to be good and loving to me, now, because I've been good to you your whole life.  Your response is that you never asked me to do anything for you.  So is that answer designed to make me feel stupid for being nice, or do you think it's some magic phrase that makes obligations disappear?

JANINE: (frustrated, blurts out) You can't force someone to be obligated to you!

GRANDMOTHER:  Is expecting decency the same as forcing someone?  I don't see any force.  I still think I can take you, but I haven't even twisted your arm.  Yet.  But it's obviously there, so you're telling me that you feel forced.  That's interesting.  I really want to understand this.  I'm going to ask you a few questions and I promise they'll all be yes or no answers.  (clears her throat, and pretends to be reading from a list)  Question 1:  Have I been nice to you your whole young life?

JANINE:  I guess.

GRANDMOTHER:  I'm sorry, that wasn't an option.

JANINE: (sarcastically)  What is "yes", Alex?

GRANDMOTHER:  You are so clever at conversation.  I'm really sad you gave it up.
(back to "reading") Question 2:  Did the birthday cards from grandma make you happy?

JANINE:  Well sure, when I was little, I mean . . .

(GRANDMOTHER stares her down.)

JANINE:  What is yes?  I guess.

GRANDMOTHER:  Ever send the $5 back?  Ever keep a card?

JANINE:  Whoop-dee-doo.  Five whole freaking dollars.  No.

GRANDMOTHER:  Part 2?  Ever keep a card that I sent you?

(JANINE won't answer.)

GRANDMOTHER:  That's a yes.  So what, child, is the big freaking deal?  Doesn't "I never asked you to be nice to me" seem, as you kids would say, a pretty lame reason for not giving me a few moments of your warm attention?

JANINE:  Well, I never did ask.

GRANDMOTHER:  That fact has nothing to do with the price of eggs.  Children don't ask for someone else's love.  You couldn't have forced me to love you, Dear.  I didn't have any choice.  You were my very own granddaughter.  And you used to be so cute!  My loving you doesn't have to be judged as right or wrong, doesn't have to be debated.  It just is.  You just can't stand the fact that the appropriate emotion is happiness - you should be happy when someone loves you.  I know that, these days, you hate happiness.  But love is the best, kiddo - even when it's from someone old and wrinkled.  I'll tell you, it's better than nothing.  Some things aren't to be fought over, just . . . accepted.

JANINE:  (staring off, speaks quietly)  Sorry.

GRANDMOTHER:  Wow!  More than I ever hoped for!  This is big.  So just tell me, tell me what happened here and you're dismissed.

JANINE:  Look, I said I'm sorry.  Drop it.

GRANDMOTHER:  Oh, no, no.  Just a summary of how you went from "I never asked" to "sorry".  Last assignment.  Please tell me what thoughts went through your head.

JANINE: (huffs and puffs)  OK, OK, well I guess I didn't, like, want to be bothered, and I don't like to be forced to do anything, OK?  I gotta be me.

GRANDMOTHER:  Sammy Davis Jr.

JANINE:  (incredulous that she's being interrupted when she's trying to talk)  What?  . . . And, well, it's true that I never asked you to be nice to me, but it's true that I guess I did appreciate it all when it was happening. (pause)  I'm not an idiot, you know - and I know how to be nice to people too.  I guess you sorta made me realize I, I sorta forgot or just didn't want to.  But I do want to (starting to cry, whispers)  I just don't want you to die.

(JANINE stands over her GRANDMOTHER, still not able to actually touch her, but close.  A teardrop falls on GRANDMOTHER's hand, who feels it and looks up at JANINE.)

GRANDMOTHER:  Well . . . you know the Bible says that a teardrop from a Phoenix can cause miracles.

JANINE:  That's Harry Potter, Grandma.

GRANDMOTHER:  Same difference.  And you're certainly a Phoenix, having risen out of your very own ashes as a human being, for me, for the moment.  And you know, the Sammy Davis Junior thing is good.  Do you know the song "I gotta be me"?  It says "I want to live, not merely survive.  And I won't give up this dream of life that keeps me alive.  I gotta be me."  That's all your missing dear.  It's really all so simple.

JANINE:  What am I missing, grandma.

GRANDMOTHER:  A dream, dear.  So work on that for me, will you?  Go to your room and work on your dream.  It's more fun than staring at the wall.  You're dismissed.

JANINE:  It's OK. I'll stay.

GRANDMOTHER:  No, really.  I'm doing OK.

JANINE:  No you're not, you're dying.

GRANDMOTHER:  I don't know.  Maybe not today.  Probably not.  Let me check.  No.  I don't think so.

JANINE: (stares at her)  What happened to "You won't make my last 60 seconds (cough, cough) good ones?"  Was I just scammed?

GRANDMOTHER:  Oh, my dear sweet child, I was bored.  (cheerily, wide eyed)  Don't you think the time went fast?  I think I hear you mother's car!

JANINE: (continues to stare at her GRANDMOTHER, walking around her, points at her as she speaks)  I promise grandma, I promise that some day I'm going to be just like you.  A difficult old lady.

GRANDMOTHER:  And when I do go, I'm going to make sure that your promise is my last thought, my last memory.  Thank you so much, Dear.  And remember one thing that your grandfather always used to say. When it comes to family, surrender.  Surrender.  But don't give yourself away.

JANINE:  (stares in disbelief)  Grandma, that was Cheap Trick.

GRANDMOTHER:  A nice bunch of young men, and talented too!  Remind me to tell you about them some day.

JANINE:  Text message me, grandma, OK?  (shakes her head, rolls her eyes as she exits stage left, and yells) Mom - you left your phone!

LIGHTS OUT

END OF PLAY

© 2012 John Allison

The Kiss of the Blue Lizard (A One-Act Play)

There are four characters who are always on stage.

The MOTHER is front, stage left, sitting in a chair when the play opens. 

The DAUGHTER (Sarah) is front, stage right, unlit when the play opens.  She is sitting on the floor, surrounded by prescription bottles, a cell phone, a piece of paper, and a can of beer.

Center stage is WHEELCHAIR GIRL, a young girl in a wheelchair. 

Behind her is a girl, in a hospital bed; BED DAUGHTER is sitting up, sleeping.  (It is important for the audience to know that BED DAUGHTER and DAUGHTER are the same character.  BED DAUGHTER is young (10 years old) and DAUGHTER is the same person, now 30 years old.)  Next to BED DAUGHTER's bed is a second bed, made up but unoccupied.

As the lights come up, each holds a purple stuffed lizard. 

Low light spots fall on the two young girls.  A spotlight then comes up on the mother.

MOTHER (to the audience, generally happy, slightly clueless):  I found a little blue stuffed lizard in the closet today - a twenty year old toy that we'd given my daughter.  Perhaps she lost track of it, because it's never been played with. It brought back all the feelings of a really good day that I'd almost forgotten (she looks back toward the bed).

MOTHER gets up and walks back and forth between her chair and the hospital bed, stopping briefly every time she passes the wheelchair, to glance at WHEELCHAIR GIRL.

MOTHER (cont.): My 10 year old, Sarah, was first on the surgery list of the day, to get her tonsils out (smiles at BED DAUGHTER).  My husband and I waited and waited until the doctor came from the operating room to report that she was in her bed and she was fine.  He took us in and I held her hand while he explained that she had a slight infection, which was common.  He was going to give her some penicillin, which he did while we were there, and a little something to make her sleep.  She quickly dozed off.  He said she'd sleep till morning.  They wanted her to heal and didn't want her to try to talk.  The doctor suggested that we should just let her sleep for the day.  Nurses would check in on her every hour and there was nothing we could do.  As we were walking out we asked the parents of the other girl in the room how she was doing.  We assumed she had her tonsils out too.  Unfortunately, she was a cancer patient, and it had spread through her little body quickly.  She was the prettiest blonde girl, and had only weeks left to live.  Her mother had 5 brothers and sisters, and all of the aunts and uncles and cousins from around the area were coming in to see our daughter's roommate.  It was one continuous line.  Even though Sarah was sleeping, I still called six times that day to see how she was.  I hated not going in but we did what we were told.  Her aunts, her uncles, even neighbors called me all day to ask how she was doing.  They all offered to visit, offered to do anything we wanted, but the doctor didn't want her to talk, and she'd just be sleeping anyway.

The next morning, we left early to go pick her up so we'd be there when she first opened her eyes.  Her father wanted to stop by our local department store.  He bought her the biggest stuffed bear he could carry.  Well, the biggest he thought he could carry!  He almost fell about a dozen times, getting up the Hospital steps.  When we entered the lobby, there was a girl sleeping in a wheelchair.  She had a new little stuffed thing in her lap.  It looked like a snake or lizard or something.  It was this! (holds up the stuffed lizard)  A nurse who was passing by confided in me that she had been checked out of her room because her parents were coming to pick her up, but they never came.  The nurses weren't surprised.  The lady who runs the gift shop gave her the little blue stuffed lizard thing, but she'd been sleeping and probably hadn't seen it yet.  So my husband took the lizard, gently woke her up, and introduced her to her new friend.  You should have seen how wide her eyes got.  That bear was bigger than she was.  Such a sweet smile.  Children (shakes her head) . . . they deserve better.

I guess we never explained  to Sarah why we'd given her a little purple stuffed lizard, but she was young, and kids like little stuffed animals.  I just remember how good I felt that day of her tonsillectomy.  It was special because my husband did something out of character that was so different for him, and he seemed more responsive to everyone ever since that day.  My family made us feel like . . . well, like family, the way they rallied around my daughter, calling me all day to ask how she was.  It was a good day.

Today I found her little toy.  I drove by her house and left it in the mailbox for her.  It should be a great surprise.  I hope she remembers it!  Maybe she'll give it to her son.  It's hard to believe we gave it to her when she was ten, and now she's thirty.   It was one of the best days of my life!

 The MOTHER shakes her head, smiling, and sighs.  She sits down.  Her spotlight goes out, and a weak spotlight focuses on the DAUGHTER.  The DAUGHTER sits on the floor and talks to the audience, her face largely lit by her cell phone, which she is staring into.  She is drinking a beer. 

DAUGHTER (agitated, angry, frustrated, animated):  It was the worst day of my life.  (Spills pills onto the floor)  So many pills.  Do I swallow them all at once or one at a time?  I'm such a loser - I don't even know how to kill myself.  Why don't they put instructions on these bottles?  (She throws the empty bottle into the audience.)  Lets see, I have a suicide note here (holds it up) - still blank.  That's typical.  And of course, I'm accompanied by my old friend from hell, the god dammed stupid stuffed whatever the fuck it is.

 

I was ten.  Can you remember what it's like to be ten?  I woke up probably a dozen times the day that I had my tonsils out, as the anesthesia wore off.  They were never there!  Never!  I'll bet they were thrilled to be able to take a day off from me.  (cheerily)  Maybe they went to a movie!  The girl in the next bed had company all day and night.  Five different families came in to visit her.  All five bought her teddy bears, and she felt so bad for me that she offered me one.  I didn't take it.  I don't work well with the pity thing.  All day, as I faded in and out of sleep, I got to hear loving families who cared about a little girl.  Me?  I was nothing.  I had nobody.

The next day, Mommy and Daddy came in just in time to pick me up - wouldn't want to get there early!  They brought this blue stuffed thing.  I was never sure what it was.  (sarcastically)  How thoughtful.  I remember leaving, seeing a dozen more of the damn purple lizards through the gift shop window.  They all waved to me, just so I'd know how special I was.  I also remember some ratty looking girl in the lobby - she had a great big stuffed bear!  I bet she had parents who loved her. 

I've thought about that day for the last 20 years of my life!  They just made it so clear that I meant nothing to them.  I was just a piece of crap.  I've gone back and forth.  Why weren't they there?  Why couldn't I deal with it?  Am I so needy?  One second I'm feeling abandoned, because I deserve to be, then I feel worthless.  Why shouldn't they blow me off?  They had a loser for a kid!  Then, just so I understood, they spent zero time getting me such a stupid little gift, and dragged me past the hospital gift shop just to make sure I understood.  They expected me to be excited over this stupid thing?  I wasn't, but I wouldn't let them see me cry.  By then my heart had been broken and had hardened.  It was so clear why they got this purple thing.  Crap for crap!  I can't tell you how many hours I've talked about this in therapy.  Still, if I go to a birthday party or something, and nobody talks to me, I find myself moving into my own personal isolation.  I feel like people shouldn't bother to talk to me.  Then I feel like I'm just a whiner.  My God, these people screwed me up.  Bastards. 

I can't imagine what she was thinking by putting this thing in my mailbox today - twenty years later.  Jesus!  Well, I'm done, Mom!  You win.  I can't take it any more.  Thirty years of worthlessness is enough.  When I'm gone I'm sure no one will care and you, Mom, you'll be so relieved.  Getting the purple thing back is a great way to celebrate the worst day of my life.  I guess I'll take these one at a time (takes another pill).  I'll dial Mommy and Daddy's number on my cell after I take the last pill.  (She opens her cell phone and its bright screen illuminates her.)  (cheerily) Maybe they'll hear my body when it hits the floor!  Why do people have kids, just to abuse them?  What sense does this make?

            (Spotlights come up on the two younger girls.  They briefly talk.)

BED DAUGHTER (to wheelchair girl):  Hey.

WHEELCHAIR GIRL (wearily):  Hey. What?

BED DAUGHTER:  Sometimes life just hurts so much.

WHEELCHAIR GIRL:  Yeah.  It does.

BED DAUGHTER:  So, how do we make it stop hurting?

WHEELCHAIR GIRL:  I don't know.  I think it's just what life is like.  (thinks)  Maybe you just gotta love every purple lizard you can get your hands on, you know?

The spotlights fade on them both.  The only light on the stage is now the Daughter's cell phone, which she holds close to her face.

DAUGHTER (sarcastically):  Whatever, Rainbow Bright.  I got a better idea.

 (DAUGHTER picks up a pill, puts the pill in her mouth, washing it down with some beer.  She reaches for the next, puts it in her mouth, then flips her phone closed, leaving us with)

LIGHTS OUT

END OF PLAY

© 2012 John Allison

Jesus@50: The Mary Interview (a one act play)

The Characters

            JESUS, a 50-year-old man

            JOHN, his friend

            MARY, a teenage girl

The Set and Props

There are two big rocks on the stage.  Two middle-aged men are seated on two of them as the play begins.  One man (JESUS) may be pudgy, with a bit of a beer belly.  They’re both wearing long robes.  It is 2000 years in the past.  A teenage girl, in appropriate garb, quickly joins JESUS.  They move around the set as they talk to each other.

Summary

A young woman, interviewing a man who could be Jesus, takes the opportunity to ask some questions that are on her mind about the new religion on the block.  Their quirky conversation is quick-paced and lively - they clearly enjoy talking with each other.

JESUS @ 50:  THE MARY INTERVIEW

            (Lights up to see two middle-aged men seated on big rocks.  They’re both wearing long robes.)

JOHN:  So there's this kid on the football team that I'm coaching . . .

JESUS:  Whatball?

JOHN:  Oh!  Uh, kickball.  We kick a wicker ball around, and compete with other teams.

JESUS.  Whatever.  So . . .  a kid?

JOHN:  She told me she's supposed to interview and write an essay on someone she admires.  She picked a Pharaoh but I told her that's unlikely.  She's a good kid.  Would you be willing?

JESUS:  Me?  The Jesus me?

JOHN:  Sure.

JESUS:  Well, they all do think I'm dead, John.  Maybe you've noticed we sorta kept this on the down-low since . . . well it's been awhile.  I did just turn fifty!

JOHN:  Yeah.  Happy birthday, boss.  She needs to write her essay based on an interview.   She is right outside, OK?

JESUS (sighs):  Look, I'm a busy guy . . . in theory.  I can only give her a few minutes.

JOHN:  We'll take it.  Mary? (He gestures to a girl offstage to come and join them.  She does.)

JESUS:  (chuckles, questioning her name) Mary?  Jesus! (rolls his eyes)

MARY (misunderstanding him):  Nice to meet you Jesus!

            (JOHN exits stage left, waving as he leaves.  After he leaves, MARY sits, opens a                

                notebook, and quickly tries to professionally focus on the interview.)

MARY:  You're not really the Jesus are you?  Jesus died on the cross before I was born.

JESUS:  Well, it was, to be honest, something we ad-libbed at the last minute.  We didn't think people would make such a big deal about whether I died or not.  I thought it would have been the message.

MARY:  Well crucifixions sound pretty intense.  My parents won't let me even go to one.

JESUS:  Well it was definitely not a good day, but at the end, I was still alive. Close to death, but you know what they say, close only counts in horseshoes. 

            (MARY gives JESUS a confused look, so he just waves off the comment.)

JESUS (cont.):  So we decided it would be a good end to the story.  A few months later I was walking around town again.  I lost the beard and nobody recognized me.

MARY:  Well I'm not sure I believe you but I got a paper to write, so I'll just call you "religious leader''.

JESUS:  Philosopher would be better.  I wasn't planning on a religion.

MARY:  Mmmmm (thinking) sorry, can't spell philosopher (shrugs).  All right, question #1.  (reads from her book)  How old are you?  (Just then her cell phone rings.  She answers.)  Hi mom.  Well, I’m working on a project for school.  I’ll be home soon, OK?  Love you.  Bye.  (to Jesus)  Sorry.  So, how old are you?

JESUS:  50.

MARY:  Wow.  That’s pretty old!  (reads again)  Are you married?

JESUS:  Do you know any Jewish men in this city who aren’t?  Of course I’m married.  I have a wife and we love each other very much.

MARY:  Kids?

JESUS:  Can’t.  I’m what you call sterile and can’t have kids.

MARY:  Is that because of, like, your godliness or something?

JESUS:  No.  Everybody’s got something.  Nobody’s perfect.

MARY:  My grandma says there’s a lotta BS in the Bible.

JESUS (raises his eyebrows):  BS, eh?  And that is …

MARY:  Well, that’s my question!  What is BS?

JESUS:  It stands for bull poop.

MARY:  Uh, that would be BP.

JESUS:  Oh, right.  It’s from the Latin.

MARY (writes it down):  OK, good to know.

JESUS:  So what bull poop is in the Bible?

MARY:  There’s this kid Bobby at school . . .

JESUS:  I know.

MARY (scowls at him): So the teacher’s reading the Old Testament, I mean The Bible to us and suddenly Bobby's shaking his head.  “Nope!” he says.  “Nope!  Can’t be.  Gotta be wrong.”

JESUS:  So what was his problem?

MARY:  It all started with Adam and Eve.  Then their first son was Cain, then Abel.  God liked Abel, so jealous Cain killed Abel.  So God was like so stupid to show he had a favorite, and that led to the first murder.  So, on the whole earth there was Adam, Eve, Cain and Abel.  With me?

JESUS (sighs):  Oh yes.  I know where this is going.

MARY:  So Cain kills Abel.  Then Cain talks to God.  God makes him a wanderer and talks about how, on his life journey, he might be killed by strangers he might run into.  "So where did the strangers come from?" Bobby asked.  "Who begat them?"

JESUS:  This is not exactly a time when you can find good, experienced copy editors.

MARY:  What?

JESUS:   That’s my final answer.  Tell Bobby that.  Those other people wandering around in the desert were inexperienced copy editors.

MARY:  You’re sure not making this easy!  OK, look, I've got my interview to do but just in case you really are Jesus, I have a few questions of my own.

JESUS:  Off the record?

MARY:  OK.  Sure.  Just for me.  My favorite story, one of them, is Dubrie . . ., Dubrio ., Dudiromeday 34:5.  It's the story of Moses dying.  The children of Israel wept for 30 days, and then there was this guy Joshua who Moses had laid his hands on and he became smart so everyone harkened unto him.

JESUS:  And it's your favorite?

MARY:  Well mostly because I like to say "harkened".  Also, it's kinda funny.

JESUS:  Funny?

MARY:  Well the Doobieronomy book starts off and says "These Are the Words of Moses".  Right?  Moses wrote Doberotomy.  Well he's pretty good!  He wrote about his own death and 30 days after.

JESUS:  Oh.

MARY:  So it wasn't just written by Moses, was it?

JESUS:  Well, technically no.

MARY:  You should really be taking better care of Moses - know what I mean?

JESUS:  Crystal clear, Mary.

MARY:  And what's up with 'thou shalt not kill'.  Are you kidding?

JESUS:  What?  Oh, you probably mean animals.  Actually the word is RATSACH, which really means killing people - murder.  It should really read "don't murder".

MARY:  So Joshua and his army was always being told, by you know who, to kill Canaanites, men, women, children, even babies.

JESUS:  Well you just have to start today.  We need to do the best we can.  From now on, no more orders to kill people.

MARY:  Yeah, I noticed that.  From what we read, it seems like a long time ago God was always yacking, always telling people what to do.  Now it seems like he's clammed up.  Pretty fishy.  Almost like he's not here.  Sorta makes you wonder if he really talked to people back then at all.

JESUS:  Yes it does, Mary.

           

            (MARY stares at him, frustrated with his non-answer.)

MARY:  OK, well I gotta get my report done.  Let’s just move on to my next question.  (reads)  'What have you learned from 50 years of life?'

JESUS:  Hmmmm.  Well, I learned the importance of marketing.

MARY:  Oh, yes, my mother goes to the market every day.  Grandma too.

JESUS (sighs):  Do you know what Jesus’ message is?

MARY:  Sure, my mother made me learn the twelve commandments when I was little.

JESUS:  Well . . . you know we’ve really been pushing just ten of those lately.

MARY:  Ten?  I learned twelve.

JESUS:  There were twelve, but, we’ve downgraded two, sorta dropped them.

MARY:  Which ones?

JESUS:  Well, we deleted 8, and dropped 12.

MARY:  Thank God!  I hated 12!  None of my friends liked it either.

JESUS:  You have a very mature way of looking at the world!  Twelve upset everyone.  I thought it was a good way to finish up.  Sometimes your good ideas end up on the cutting room floor.  The important thing is to be able to recognize when you make a mistake in judgment.

MARY:  I’ll look up ‘cutting room floor’ when I get home.

JESUS:  I wouldn’t bother.

MARY:  If I tell my teacher in my essay that I’m dropping 8 and 12, she’ll tell my mom.

JESUS:  Well tell your mom to go to church!  Teacher too!  Welcome to the 50’s!  Things are changing.

MARY:  OK, so you said (reads back from notebook) you learned about the importance of marketing.  Can you elaborate on that?

JESUS:  We know "elaborate" but not "philosopher"?  What are they teaching you kids these days?  OK.  Marketing.  You’ve heard of Jesus and that he taught every one to love thy neighbor and do unto others, right?

MARY:  Yeah.  And what’s up with that?  They’re not even commandments.  Shouldn’t they be?

JESUS:  OK, so the message is a bit dispersed.  But that’s not the point.

MARY:  Well, wait a minute.  This commandment thing is driving us crazy.  We read the Bible in class.  The commandments are in there more than once and they're different every time.  Bobby counted twenty-two commandments in one of the books.

JESUS:  It's like a baker's dozen.  No charge for the extras.  My only hope is that, in the future, everybody will talk about the Ten Commandments but nobody will really know what they are.

MARY:  Why?

JESUS:  OK, Mary, repeat after me.  God Dammit!

MARY (get’s wide eyed):  I can’t do that.  My mom would kill me.  That’s the third commandment!

JESUS:  Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, right?

MARY:  Seems pretty clear.

JESUS:  Well in the old days, if you hired someone to shovel your snow, your contract was "sworn in the name of the Lord".  So if they didn't do it, people would say they took the lord's name in vain.  It's about being honest.  It's not supposed to be about how we talk.  THAT would be a first amendment violation.

MARY:  What’s an amendment?

JESUS:  Oh, a new version of a Commandment that I’m working on.  Pretty rough right now, but give me awhile.  So, let me get back to my point.  You’ve heard of Jesus and his teachings.  You try to live by them, but you see, none of them are mine!  They’re just, like, the root of stories I heard from my parents and grandparents and neighbors all the time.  I just repackaged them - tried to tell people what they tell each other through stories all the time.

MARY:  So the God thing is all made up?  Just repackaged stories from the Italians next door?

JESUS:  And from the neighbors people have had since the first time they put two caves on the same block.

MARY:  So people keep sorta telling stories with the same message.  Why?

JESUS:  Well, that is the question.  It's the voices in our heads, Mary.  Different heads, same stories. 

MARY:  Well, my mom says she has to tell me things fifty times because I don’t listen.

JESUS:  Good point! 

MARY:  I just don’t know.  I guess I never thought about stories that people tell and how they have messages in them.

JESUS:  Yes, it used to be why people told stories.  Now everyone is too literal.

MARY:  Remember, I’m just a kid here.  What are you talking about?

JESUS:  Remember the Jonah story?  Swallowed by a whale?

MARY:  Is that BS?

JESUS:  Well, it was a story.  A story about faith.  It had a message.  You’re supposed to think about the message, not worry about whales swallowing people.  To get people to buy into a plan, sometimes there needs to be some consequences.  Hell is a good one.  Floods!  Get God mad and he may just decide to start over!  It is a story, one meant to have an impact on the ones that aren’t so bright, but it’s not to be taken literally.

MARY:  OK, so you brought it up.  Flood story.  You proud of that one?

JESUS (looks around, hoping the subject will change if he doesn't respond.  He starts hand waving):  Uh, floods, rain, snow, always something happening on this planet.

MARY:  Hold on!  A family just moved here.  They have a kid and he goes to my school.  Want to know where they moved from?

JESUS:  Let me guess.  The city of Ur?

MARY:  You're so smart.  So he told us an old story of theirs, about a guy named Ut-Napishtim.

JESUS:  Can we move on to something else here?

MARY:  I thought so.  Well, some god decides to wipe out everything and everyone with a great flood.  So The Ut-Man is asked to build a boat and load it up with animals.  Then after the flood waters stop he sends out birds to find land. (Stares at Jesus.)  Jesus!  If I did this in school the teacher would send me to the Principal's office.  Maybe I can't spell "philosopher" but I can spell "plagiarism"!

JESUS:  I can't believe you all found this so fast.  Well, good stories are good stories, what can I tell you.

MARY:  So God’s just a story too?

JESUS:  Well, the God thing does scare a lot of people into following the twelve commandments.  But there’s more to it than that.

MARY:  Well what about that little voice inside our heads that tells us the same stories, is that God?

JESUS:  I don't know, Mary.  Why not, eh?

MARY:  Well sure, I mean we can call it what we want . . .

JESUS:  So what did we learn today?

MARY:  That there’s a God.  Right?

JESUS:  I just point people in directions, they decide what it all means.

MARY:  Cool.  I interviewed someone and proved there is a God.  So who cares if Moses wrote Deuteronomy or not?  Anyone can write for God.  The same messages are in all of our heads!  That will work.  This has to be worth at least a "B"! 

(pause)  So, you’re name’s really Matt, isn’t it?  That’s what everyone calls you.

JESUS: (thinks) . . . Right.  I mean, if Jesus were still around, everybody’d make a fuss.  It wouldn’t be good, you know?

MARY:  Yeah.  Well, thanks for your time.  I was in a bind – you know – over the Pharaoh thing.  But since you helped me, tell you what I’m going to do.

JESUS:  What’s that, sweetie?

MARY:  I’m going to look up how to spell philosopher.  And don't worry; I'll keep this stuff quiet.

JESUS:  Great, now get outa here,

MARY:  OK, OK!

JESUS:  And don’t forget (falling into a pious pose, with hands in prayer) I’m here if you need me.

MARY:  (yelling back to him as she runs off stage) Same here, Matt!  Bye!

LIGHTS OUT

END OF PLAY

© 2012 John Allison

I killed SOMEONE FOR YOU TODAY

She drove in front of me for three miles in her crappy little green car

always needing to be prompted that the lights had turned green

continuously eating a taco wrapped in green paper.

She threw the wrapper out the window

so I killed her, for you.

I went to the bookstore.

I couldn't get to the shelf I wanted because a guy was sitting on the floor

in the middle of the aisle

reading.  Oblivious.

Why they put chairs in bookstores I don't know,

but one woman was so hunkered in,

with a pile of magazines and a few empty coffee cups on the table she had dragged from another part of the store,

I labeled her as a user. 

Why does she think this is OK?  Why would I buy a magazine that someone has spent an hour reading and sneezing on?

I killed them both, for you.

I tried to buy a shirt in a department store, but the shirts I liked were on a rack near the changing rooms, and a wife was leaning against the rack waiting for her husband.  I said "excuse me" but she couldn't hear me over her own mouth.  She switched between yelling into her phone and yelling to her husband behind some door.  I only wanted to look at a shirt, not to hear about how he won't do a fucking thing and she's been dragging his fucking sorry ass around all night just to find a pair of pants that fit.  Sorry ass sucker.  She was tempted to just leave his fucking ass there and drive the fuck home, or so she said.  I wondered who was on the other end of the fucking line.  So I killed her, for you.

This is a bigger job than I thought it would be.

No, no not really.

© 2012 John Allison

The Little Girl and her Sailboat

Her first memory is waking up on the little sailboat.

Painted on the side was a sentence she had not written.

" I cannot escape the consequences of my actions," it said.

She hoisted up the sail because she was hungry,

and found a little island, where there was a little house.

They gave her two loaves of bread, in exchange for taking them

to another island and back.

Soon she became part of the great lake, shuttling people back and forth

taking care of them

helping them to live their lives.

Each time she would see a white flag flying, and go to a little island to

take care of its people, she would ask them

"do you know who I am?"

"do you remember where I came from?"

and many of them seeemed to have something to say, but not enough to help.

So she remembered all that they said, to try and figure out

the answers to her

questions.

One person thought she was from somewhere else, and that there, she is different.

One person thought that she was a gift to the lake.

One person thought that she was sent to the lake as a punishment.

One person said she should be happy where she is.

One person thought she should go back to a better place.

The people on the islands guessed a lot

and made up things they thought people wanted to hear

perhaps.

Now life must go on at the lake

and on the little islands

and she is an important part of the lake

but one day a question popped out (or in)

"what about me?"

and with that one question

which just popped out

she could not stop thinking of where she came from

and who she was

and she didn't think that going to another lake,

while a nice thing to do,

was going to help her to understand herself.

So she sailed away from the islands

to the end of the lake, where no one goes.

She had bread on the boat to last for two weeks.

When the water started moving so fast

that the sails did not matter

a gnome appeared on the boat, of course.

The gnome pointed into the sun and said that there was a tall waterfall

nearby

and that if she wanted to take the little sailboat over the waterfall

there would be a wonderful place at the bottom

or so he'd heard.

The gnome said that there is a lake at the bottom of the waterfall

or so he'd heard

and it is so much different and so beautiful there

perhaps

but even if it is beautiful

as he has heard

the girl in the boat would still be a girl in a boat.

Perhaps the lake would be wonderful

with free bread everywhere

but you just never know.

Before the gnome disappeared from his visit to the boat

just as he had appeared

he tied a rope onto the boat

that leads back to the lake, and said it could be used

whenever.

The girl in the boat looked around, and realized that this part of the lake,

the lake she had known for all her remembered life,

was different.

Curious.

Exploring here would be interesting too.

But the possibilities of the waterfall were great indeed

and late one night  she decided, alone

to point the little sailboat at the waterfall

and over the falls she went.

She did not land in another lake

she did not land at all

she fell with her little boat in the waterfall's water

and fell and fell and fell

and she felt terror

then she felt like she may now be part of

a falls that falls forever

with no lake or no end,

and a day passed, and another day,

and she ate her bread,

and lightly held in her hand

the rope that would take her back

to a part of her old lake that was so different,

a part that looked new.

When she ran out of bread

she and her little boat were still falling,

passing an occasional branch,

but falling alone.

She wondered if there was an end,

if all her questions would be answered there,

if she should use the rope.

If there had been someone with her to talk to,

she'd have felt better about believing that

there was no right choice.

She wished there was something more insightful

than words like

"it's not the destination, but the journey"

but no one could know.

So every choice was the same - something new to learn

with each one,

hoped the little girl in the sailboat.

_{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}(\_{~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~}

© 2012 John Allison

. . . With the Help of the Lord

I was walking down Arch Street, trying to use the GPS in my iPhone to find Peter's Office, when suddenly I was knocked on my butt.  I looked up (finally) to see that I had walked right into a guy who was apparently texting on his Android.  Neither of us had seen the other.  It could have been a car!  I apologized profusely.  I felt so bad.  Fortunately both of us were OK.  He said he was sorry and that he felt like an idiot for doing something so stupid.  He was more than reasonable.  We shook hands, brushed the dirt off of each other’s backs, and agreed that walkers need to look where they're going, now more than ever.

When I got home, I was making myself a big glass of water at the sink.  Ramone, my son, was doing his normal thing of plastering his little body against my leg, semi-whining because he missed me during the day.  It drives me crazy - I can barely move; having a person stuck to your leg can make those pangs of claustrophobia appear.

"Will you get away from me?" I sniped at him, as I hit him in the head with a spoon.  He ran off to the living room.  I didn't see the tears in his eyes.

That night as I flipped and flopped in bed, not sleeping as usual, the tiny voice of the Lord visited my mind's ear.  "Do you know how much he missed you?  You interacted with a complete stranger today, and used common decency, but with your own son, you were thoughtless and cruel."

He was right (I probably didn't need to explain that). I had treated a stranger better than my own boy.  I felt awful.  I got up out of bed and went down to his room.  The little shit was sleeping soundly.  (Why can't I?)  I gently woke him up and said, "Hey buddy.  I wanted to apologize for the way I behaved today.  I ran into a complete stranger and was nicer to him than I was to you when I got home.  That is so wrong.  I'm sorry, pal.  I do love you."

He mumbled, "It's OK, Dad.  I love you too" as he rolled over.  He was snoring by the time I stood up. 

Two weeks later I was doing some food shopping at the Acme after work.  As I rounded a corner, a bit too fast, a grey haired old woman was steaming along and BAM! Our carts clattered together.  She looked up and apologized profusely.  She admitted that she wasn't paying attention.  I said, "Well just look where the hell you're going.  Maybe you shouldn't be allowed behind a cart anymore.  We need age limits.  You coulda put an eye out!  Jesus, woman!"

I backed up and circled around her to the next aisle.  I knew I could now look my son in the eye again and honestly tell him that I treat him with the same common decency that I use with everyone.

I hope the Lord was watching, and I hope he won't hesitate to tell me when I screw up again.  I do feel that his message to me will help me to be a better father.  Thank you, God!

© 2012 John Allison

Dinosaurs are Back

 . . . and it's really getting annoying.

Let's recount.  Ten months ago more than 200 posts on YouTube clearly showed 4 pterodactyls heading south, shot over the skies of Ontario. 

Sightings within 100 miles of the North Pole, in all directions, were reported of the Spielberg dinos; T-Rexes, Pterodactyls and Raptors.  They descended from the North, fucking like bunnysauruses along the way.

And now here we are.  No one has been very effective at controlling the populations, so we've had to adjust.  (I'm so sick of the Vacation-in-Hawaii and Vacation-in- Australia commercials!)

Letting your pets roam, or even letting them out in the yard unattended, is no more.

Children now move through caged and gated walkways from the school to the bus, and from the bus to the house.

Every structure is now recommended to have a reinforced first floor so that if super-fido decides to visit, the visit stops there.

Fortunately, there's no shortage of food for these bad boys and girls, so they have not yet gone full Spielberg on us.  If a Rex follows you home and you close the door, he goes away.  He doesn't go crashing through shit.  Hopefully this won't change.

More reinforcements are coming our way, thanks to insurance companies.  Dino-proofing homes and dino-insurance are all the rage, as expected.  Of course the only dino-on-house crime was a big T-Rex who, sleeping on his feet, fell over and crashed through a bay window in Des Moines.  Typical isn't it, how we over react and now have to now prepare every home to ward off attackers?

Dino poop is a real issue.  Thank God it usually is too high to step in, so we usually step over.  Aerial attacks can easily knock over a child or crack a car windshield.

Whistlers, that used to be put on cars to scare off deer, appear to work on Dinos as well.  They're baacck!  Ugh.

The Love-A-Dino Foundation gathered a bunch of cash to mount a campaign of domestication.  Adopt young, raise them with love, and we will domesticate them.  So tree huggers everywhere adopted young.  In most cases they were promptly attacked and eaten by annoyed dino parents.  Domestication of abandoned young also has led to attack and eat scenarios, just a little later in the relationship.  The campaign has a 100% consumption rate so far.  You shoulda stuck to trees, people!

Carrying weapons is one of the greatest parts of our little infestation.  We can now carry what we want.  Tree huggers carry tazers (LMFAO).  Tazers are usually spit out as the T-Rex is eating them.  I wear a snub nose revolver on one leg and a Sig Sauer 9 mm on the other leg, with a large caliber rifle slung over my back.  So fun!  I can't imagine shooting an animal personally, but I can fire at anything at any time, and nobody even asks what's up.  Too Kool for Skool!

Farmers of course have upped their prices, the job now being more dangerous than that of dentist, so everything is becoming more expensive.

And with these facts in mind, I stepped up to the podium to address the General Assembly of the United Nations.  It was a very full room.

You're impressed!  I know you are.  There were four speakers ripe with global recommendations on the schedule, and I had won an essay contest run by Nook, and got to be a private citizen with 15 minutes of mike time.  Is this a crazy world or what?

As I approached the mike, the chatter persisted.  I held my iPod Nano up to the mike and played a T-Rex roar at high volume.  With a nervous twitter of laughter, they clammed up.

I started off with four simple words, which I use with smaller groups as well.  "You are all pussies."  I watched as interpreters scrambled for assistance.  It was my theme.  I then walked them through my ten points (actually 12 repackaged).

Point 1.  "People!  We are in charge of this planet!  Why are we running?  Take these turkeys on now!"  Again, interpreters looked mystified, wondering if monster turkeys had just crossed city limits.

Point 1 had three suggestions.

1A:  "Push them back!  Sorry Canada!"  The representative of the great white north left the room.

1B:  "Confine them.  Fences, moats - get with it, people!"

1C:  "Shoot them out of the air, use explosive people decoys, anything!  This is war! It's no time to be polite to reinvented species."  They responded with an "OK".

I waited, hoping Letterman would say "Number 2!” but he was nowhere to be seen, so I continued my top ten.

Point 2:  "Repeat after me!  MAC RIB!"  Many of them did.  "Let's feed the world, people.  Rexes are a shitload of meat.  Let's rededicate ourselves to being meat eaters again.  And no more of this excitement over roasting a pig - we're gonna need bigger spits and bigger pits!"  The international community smiled, having no clue.

Point 3:  "Every country needs to designate 10% of their land for containment, until extinction is again achieved.  For the US, I choose Utah!"  The Mormon from Puerto Rico left the room.

Point 4:  "New species have legal rights too!  We need to feed each dino a lawyer."  Dr. Pepper squirted out of my nose as I laughed.  What a mess.  I think my timing was off, though.  You should always lead with a good kill-the-lawyers joke.

Point 5:  "Does anyone know if dinos can swim?  I'm guessing not.  Good!  Fish food!"

Point 6:  "Where are the electrified fences and trees and power lines and shit?  Where have you people been?"  My assistants passed through the crowd, handing out DVD's of Mothra and other Japanese monstas.

Point 7:  "I want the support of the major networks and Disney.  Every main character in all TV shows and movies should have a stuffed T-Rex head on the wall.  I'm sure it will catch on, at least in the civilized countries."  The representative from Afghanistan left the room.

Point 8:  "Scientists (you know who you are) need to come up with a dino birth control compound, and feed it to every cat, dog and child in the world."  The representative from China applauded vigorously, then sat back down and finished his smoked Rottweiler on rye.

Point 9:  "I'm thinking that Raptors would love parachute rides.  We can all participate in dino-drops over Libya."  The Libyan translator was still looking up pussy.

Point 10:  "For countries like Sweden, who would never feel good killing anything, I'm suggesting that you drug the bastards.  Maybe they'll suffer from lots of slip-and-fall accidents."  Most looked confused.  Old people nodded.  I shoulda stopped at 9.  Maybe 8. 

I thanked them profusely, making hand gestures that someone might randomly recognize as a salutation or something.  "I only hope I did some good here today.  If not, I hope you have me back when my Dino-stand up career kicks in."  The representative from Japan suggested some combination of humor and karaoke.  I ignored him, and turned the podium over to some Nobel Laureate from New Jersey.

© 2012 John Allison